Summary Of The Book " Safe People - By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend "

 Key Concepts In This book:

1. People that make you feel unsafe can be damaging and make you unhappy.
2. Recognizing dangerous people is the first step toward surrounding yourself with safe people.
3. Recognizing the interpersonal characteristics of dangerous people might help you figure out if you're in a dangerous relationship.
4. Your earlier experiences may have influenced the development of risky personality traits.
5. Close, healthy connections can keep you healthy, whilst unhealthy ones can make you sick.
6. Including trustworthy persons in your life can aid in the development of secure and healthy relationships.

What am I getting out of it? Learn how to bring trustworthy people into your life.

You've probably been around harmful people if you've ever left a party, relationship, or phone call feeling worse than when you arrived. Don't feel terrible if you make this mistake; it's a common one. Unsafe people can be found anywhere, including within you! They can affect your mental and spiritual health if you allow them to get too entrenched in your life or relationships.

The good news is that after you've figured out how to spot these folks, you'll be able to spot the ones who are safe and can add value to your life. Drs. Townsend and Cloud teach how to spot "unsafe individuals" and guide you to a better life with safe people, based on their own experience and biblical teaching.

• You'll learn how to forgive and be forgiven.
• Why that college break-up might have been the best thing that ever happened to you.
• And why loving each other is the best way to love God in this summary.

1. People that make you feel unsafe can be damaging and make you unhappy.

You know that college girlfriend you can't seem to get out of your head? Back in sophomore year, the one who crushed your heart? Or that coworker who seemed like he was going to be your greatest friend until you realised he was too critical of everyone?

These are the people in your life who are dangerous to you and give you more harm than good.

The main point here is that unsafe people can be damaging and lead to misery.

There are three types of dangerous persons. Then there are the squatters. These are folks who start relationships with zeal but rarely see them through. Let's say you start dating an outcast. Long phone calls, dinner reservations, flowers, and chocolates could all be a good start. However, once you've passed the initial impressions stage and defects start to show, the enthusiasm rarely lasts. Abandoners don't want actual intimacy, and when it isn't possible to get it, they go.

Then there are the naysayers. If you need assistance with a situation, your critical buddy may be the best person to contact. These individuals are exceptional in assessing situations and people. However, being judgemental and correcting mistakes motivates them more than expressing compassion and actually assisting people.

Finally, there's the third group, who you can't rely on to make or follow a plan. They'll be known as the irresponsibles. Consider that person with whom you arranged dinner plans weeks ago. You'd agreed to meet at 7:00 p.m., but she left you at the table alone until she walked in half an hour late with no explanation. You can't bank on irresponsibles, even though they're entertaining and impulsive.

So, what do these various organisations have in common? An incapacity or unwillingness to be truly close to one another and to God. You may be dissatisfied if you invite these types of people into your life without first considering their impact on you. Their presence can even be detrimental in the long run.

2. Recognizing dangerous people is the first step toward surrounding yourself with safe people.

When looking for secure people, meeting a fellow Christian may appear to be an ideal place to start. But not so quickly! Just because someone claims to be a Christian doesn't make them safe. Dangerous people may appear to be moral, but they are generally religious rather than spiritual. They rely on dogma and rules rather than allowing humanity to influence their decisions.

The main point here is that recognising dangerous people is an important first step toward surrounding oneself with safe people.

Because unsafe people are rarely acknowledged to be weak, being in a relationship with them frequently results in an imbalance. If this isn't acknowledged and corrected, both parties will become locked in their roles, with the "weak" resenting the "powerful."

People who feel unsafe are generally defensive and resistant to feedback. While they are quick to point out defects in others, they rarely link those flaws to themselves. They may say sorry if you push them into a corner and compel them to recognise a mistake, but they will not sincerely repent. Apologies are only useful if they are followed by a genuine wish to improve. Unsafe people, on the other hand, are uninterested in character development. They aren't humble enough to accept and repair the harm they have caused. In short, unsafe individuals believe they are flawless, and they remain static because they refuse to change and improvement.

If all of this seems awful and makes you want to avoid meeting new people for good, remember that the world isn't exclusively occupied by dangerous people. Insecure people are also not incapable of change. There is someone who admits their flaws and is willing to work on them for every person who rejects them.

Now that you know how to spot harmful people, you can use your newfound knowledge to find the polar opposite — safe people. However, you should assess your connections first. You'll be able to spot hazardous tendencies in your own interactions if you grasp the interpersonal characteristics of unsafe persons.

3. Recognizing the interpersonal characteristics of dangerous people might help you figure out if you're in a dangerous relationship.

Let's imagine you've just uncovered a distressing family secret and need to vent, so your phone your buddy, Astrid. A mutual acquaintance, Charles, calls a week later. He's not only interested in learning more about your secret, but he's also upset that you didn't tell him directly. You're terrified, heartbroken, and, most importantly, betrayed. How could Astrid have shared your confidence?

You've got a typical triangulation scenario on your hands. It's one of the interpersonal characteristics of dangerous persons.

The main point here is that recognising the interpersonal characteristics of hazardous people will help you figure out if you're in an unsafe relationship.

Unsafe people, on the other hand, feel uncomfortable with a genuine connections. Astrid may have acted to create a breach between you and Charles in the triangulation scenario just described, or she may have talked to Charles because she was unable to freely discuss her reaction with you. People like Astrid are frequently completely unaware of the suffering they create.

In any relationship in your life, ask yourself the following questions: Do you feel bad about saying no to this person? When addressed – even gently – about an issue in your relationship, does that individual become enraged and harsh? Are forgiveness and love reserved until you've been suitably chastised if you confess to a mistake you made?

If you responded yes to any of the questions above, you're in an unhealthy relationship. You're not only on pins and needles all of the time, but you're also restricted in your development as the other person tries to 'parent' you into only doing what he or she approves of.

Unsafe people shun intimacy because they are unable to connect emotionally. Being in a conversation with one of these people is like being a spectator in a one-act play where the actor only speaks about herself. Because dangerous individuals lack empathy, they will only help you if they want to feel better about themselves or if they want something in return later.

Of all, no one is completely secure, which is why there is always the possibility of atonement and growth. This frequently begins with us. You'll learn how to spot risky behaviour in yourself in the next blink, so you can start changing.

4. Your earlier experiences may have influenced the development of risky personality traits.

There are no flawless people. It's a cliché solely because it's true. And you are one of them.

We all have characteristics of ourselves that are either safe or unsafe, just like the unsafe people. Some of us have acquired so many psychological wounds that we've started down the dangerous path of being unsafe people who are unable to connect authentically.

But, how did we lose our sense of security?

The main point is this: Your earlier experiences may have influenced the development of risky personality traits.

Envy, the false belief that we are self-sufficient, entitlement, and violation against God's rules are all dangerous to our safety.

Instead of focusing on the giving and receiving of love, envy is the outcome of wanting what others have and attempting to correlate those missing elements with love. We're rejecting our emotional need for connection if we don't appreciate what we have or what others do for us because we believe we're too self-sufficient to rely on others.

Suffering as a result of other people's wrongdoings might lead to dangerous action. Let's imagine you've been in a relationship with someone inconsistent with you, frequently criticises you, and eventually ends it. This may cause you to withdraw and adopt a defensive devaluing attitude, saying things like "oh, love sucks anyhow," which can lead to a long-term loss of joy and significance in your life.

An attitude of entitlement may lead us to believe that we don't require the protection provided by God's laws. This sort of thinking is just one step away from concluding that we don't require the services of anyone. Even though we're trained to be self-sufficient, relational self-sufficiency isn't always a good thing. Because we need each other as human beings. People who believe they don't need love and can't express their need for comfort and support accept isolation and go without meaningful relationships.

Whatever the basis of the problem, refusing to reach out to others could be the most dangerous action imaginable, as well as a clear violation of God's love.

5. Close, healthy connections can keep you healthy, whilst unhealthy ones can make you sick.

Roseto, Pennsylvania was once home to close-knit Italian immigrant families. And their friendship lasted for centuries. Researchers were drawn to the town between the 1930s and the 1980s. Despite having the same diet and lifestyle as the rest of the United States, the people lived an abnormally long life.

When the town was studied again in the 1990s, many of the old families had moved, the new families were not as close, and life expectancy had fallen to match the rest of the country. Close relationships, it turns out, helped the residents of Roseto live longer. 

The takeaway here is that close, healthy relationships can make you healthier, whereas unhealthy connections can make you physically unwell.

Do you suffer from the Monday blues daily? Do you feel like you don't have enough energy to get through your to-do list? It's possible that the answer can be found in your social group.

Being with the wrong people can drain you psychologically and spiritually, leading to physical problems like headaches and backaches, digestive troubles, a lack of immunity, weight gain, and even cancer, all of which have been linked to mental health.

So, how can you know if you're attracting the correct types of people? One technique is to conduct a relationship inventory that incorporates both emotion and logic while keeping your ideas in mind.

Is it all about you, or is there a fair balance of giving and taking? Can you be intimate and vulnerable with the people in your life, consider others as a source of support, and open up to them?

Patterns to look for: Do you avoid people because you're afraid of getting into a fight? Do you romanticise others and imagine them to be flawless? Do you feel compelled to save others all of the time, or are you the one who can't make a decision? It might be difficult to recognise risky actions in others and oneself at times.

It can be tempting to stay in an unhealthy relationship in the hopes that things will get better. Another temptation is the desire for a merger, in which you believe that another person would complete you because they possess all of the qualities you lack.

But don't let your optimism prevent you from studying the patterns that govern your interactions with others. If a relationship is causing you harm, don't let fear of abandonment prevent you from confronting the problem and, if necessary, ending it.

6. Including trustworthy persons in your life can aid in the development of secure and healthy relationships.

Let's try a quick workout. Rewind your life until you reach a point where you have wounded someone. There's a pause there. Have you ever had a lingering regret for how you acted? Let's say you pick up the phone and call that person to express your heartfelt apologies.

Now imagine her telling you that she has forgiven you for years. Can you imagine how relieved he was? One of the most godly deeds a person can perform is to forgive completely. When someone forgives you and embraces you with love despite your acts, you know they're the kind of trustworthy person you need in your life.

Bringing safe people into your life can help you build safe and healthy relationships, which is the main message here.

We all desire someone who welcomes us, encourages us to grow, and improves us. Safe people understand that spiritual life entails more than just a relationship with God; it also entails genuine relationships with one another. Relationships provide us with energy, teach us limits, heal us, and provide us with a sense of belonging. Safe people can be found at church, in friendships, and in support groups.

Here are six guidelines to help you build secure relationships:

First and foremost, seek assistance. This teaches you humility, reveals your needs, motivates you to take action, and provides you with an opportunity to exhibit grace. It might possibly offer you the assistance you require!

Second, acknowledge your needs while remaining true to yourself. If you don't like getting too many hugs, for example, don't try to become overly physical.

Third, stand up to yourself! Determine why you're resisting proximity and then do the exact opposite.

The fourth stage may appear to be a little frightening: seek out the truth about yourself from others. The truth can lead to love, even if it isn't always pleasant to hear.

The fifth stage is divided into two parts: Learn to forgive and be forgiven. Don't merely apologise; truly empathise and accept responsibility without making excuses. It's wonderfully liberating to accept forgiveness from a trustworthy individual.

And now we've arrived at the last phase. You can start giving back once you've learnt to take from trustworthy individuals. Look for locations and people in your neighbourhood where you may receive and give safety. Read other people's signals of need and see what you can do to help. Listen, be present, and tell the truth.

The main takeaway from these blinks is that true intimacy with trustworthy individuals can improve your life and bring you closer to God. Recognizing safe and harmful characteristics in yourself and others can help you live a happier, healthier, and more Christian life.

Here's some additional advice that you can put into practise:

Getting rid of guilt trips is a must.

Is there a friend who makes you feel guilty all of the time? If that's the case, consider why you're falling for it. When she dangles that "guilt hook," why do you cling to it? Is it possible that you are to blame? If you answered yes, change your behaviour to solve the problem. If the answer is no, then ask yourself why you are feeling guilty for no reason and address the root of the problem.

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