Summary Of The Books "Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton"
Key Concepts in this book:
- Moralism refers to the idea that your intellect is in charge of your entire being.
- We all lie our asses off, and it makes us feel bad.
- Radical honesty entails telling the complete truth, regardless of how unpleasant it may be.
- Holding on to your wrath is suppression, not noble self-sacrifice.
- In any relationship, telling the truth — the complete truth – is critical.
- Take responsibility to break free from moralism and begin living a profoundly honest life.
What am I getting out of it? Learn about the wonderful power of truth.
When was the last time you made a false statement? It wasn't that long ago, was it? That's great. Well, thanks for your forthrightness! Unless, of course, you're currently lying. Are you one of them?
It's a reality that people lie all the time, no matter how you answer the question. At least, that's what Brad Blanton, the author, believes. We lie to others about our emotions and to ourselves about who we are and what we desire. It's just a part of growing up to learn to lie.
However, this does not imply that it is healthful. The truth is that all of this deception is killing us on the inside. So, how can you quit lying when it's all around you?
The answer is easy, but quite difficult: you simply must tell the truth. Radically.
- You'll learn what moralism is and how to avoid it,
- Why it's not noble to bottle up your anger,
- Why do you need to tell your partner everything about your sex life in this summary?
Let's begin from the beginning: the womb.
Consciousness dawns a few months after conception, and this is when you first experience itself. Everything appears to be timeless and immortal.
You may not recall this event consciously, yet it has stayed with you on some level. You, like everyone else, yearn to return to this experience of eternity.
But you won't be able to. Because you learn how to act in the world around you once you've been born. The mind, as the author puts it, takes over from the being. And the clarity you had while still in the womb is gone for good. Religion and philosophy are both attempts to reclaim the purity that has been lost.
According to the author, it's like a disease that kills us all one by one. He refers to it as moralism.
The main point here is that moralism says that your mind is in charge of your entire being.
Parents teach morality to their children to provide the best for them. These lessons learnt from previous behaviour assist them in remaining safe and teaching them proper behaviour. Children, on the other hand, can absorb undesirable behaviours from their parents' lessons.
The author narrates the storey of Stephen, a young child who made a sloppy mess in the kitchen while covertly preparing lemonade. His parents were furious and punished him when they discovered out. In response, he became enraged, blaming his parents and declaring that he despised them.
This was to be expected. In actuality, it was a form of self-preservation. Stephen was imitating his parents by assigning blame and becoming enraged.
The issue is that we're trying to apply a set of rules to a fluid and complicated environment. When lawyers try to apply the rigorous rules of the law too complicated real-life scenarios, they make this mistake. They're referred to as "field-dependent."
Imagine a rod inside a square frame to grasp the concept. Like the hands on a clock, the rod and frame turn independently of one another. Because the room is dimly lit, the rod and frame are the only items visible. The frame suddenly stops moving, but the rod continues. When does the rod become vertical?
It's when it's parallel to the frame, according to field reliant people. People who labour in the field, on the other hand, recognise that the frame isn't a valid reference point and instead rely on their own bodies to determine when the rod is upright.
Moralists are reliant on their surroundings. Field reliance, on the other hand, has a fundamental flaw: it's fiction.
We all lie our asses off, and it makes us feel bad.
We all deceive one another. We lie all the time, in fact. And it's not just about the minor details. Most adults are living a lie they told themselves in youth on a deeper level.
Adolescence is the time when you begin to wonder, "Who am I?" Unfortunately, it's human nature to demand a single, clear answer. As a result, you act as if the response you give yourself – the persona you adopt – is a true reflection of who you are.
This is by no means the only type of lying that people engage in.
The main point is that we all lie our asses off, and it hurts us.
The lie that there are fixed, moral laws that govern how you act is instilled in you as a youngster. Then you learn to lie about your identity as an adolescent. It doesn't end there, either. You retain secrets from others as an adult, even those closest to you.
Lying is a survival strategy as well as a disease that is slowly killing us. It urges the thought to rule the being, much as moralism does.
It is impossible to entirely cure it, but by expressing the truth, the sickness can be managed.
This isn't simply about admitting to minor transgressions. It entails telling the truth as it is. It's referred to as "radical honesty" by the author.
Radical honesty can be divided into three categories. The first is just a matter of laying forth the facts. People are frequently held back by secrets they keep from their loved ones. It's good for your mental and physical health to release that strain by acknowledging your lies.
The emotional truth is the subject of the second level. People are often hesitant to express their true feelings because they are concerned about how they will appear to others. But admitting you had an affair, for example, isn't enough; you also have to be honest about how you felt about it. You're still lying if you don't tell the truth.
The third level of truth-telling is the point at which you begin to live the truth as well. It's the point at which you can fully accept that your genuine identity – your being – isn't the same as the one you've been projecting to the rest of the world.
This entails accepting your vanity, egotism, and actual life desires. For example, the author admits that he authored his book to become a famous intellectual and to help millions of people. He aspired to be like Jesus in some ways.
It takes a lot of courage to be so brutally honest about oneself. You must, however, make an effort.
Radical honesty entails telling the complete truth, regardless of how unpleasant it may be.
The principle of radical honesty is simple: stop lying and tell the truth. However, putting it into practice is difficult. Consider the following scenario: you've slept with your husband's best friend, and now it's time to confess. You could believe that being truthful merely entails informing your husband of this simple reality. You'd probably have a fight about it and end up hating one other for the rest of your lives.
However, radical honesty is not one of them. It entails being honest — excruciatingly honest – down to the last detail.
The main point here is that radical honesty is telling the complete truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
Radical honesty entails sitting down with your husband and telling him everything, including how many times you had sex, if you had orgasms, what you did afterwards, and how much you enjoyed it. Simply informing your husband of the basics isn't enough; you're withholding information unless he has a complete picture of the situation.
This is due to moralism once more. When individuals discuss this kind of event, they usually utilise evaluative language, speaking in terms of rights and wrongs. Using descriptive language is a more honest approach. Stop justifying your actions or waiting for your partner to pass judgement. Simply recognise that it occurred and that you experienced the emotions you did.
That's a difficult task. However, it will benefit your relationship. It's also beneficial for your stress levels in the long run. We are worn down by lying because it takes such a physical toll on us. This kind of radical honesty can save lives.
After all, we are still somewhat oppressed as a culture. Although sex is no longer taboo, we are still a long way from being truly open about our sexual desires. At the heart of all this repression is neurosis, which the author defines simply as refusing to accept whatever is happening right now. If you're neurotic, you expect things to be different in some way in your life. You could be ignoring your sexual desires, your anger, your grief, or anything else - but whatever it is, it's bad.In a therapy session with the author, for example, a couple had a disagreement. Anne accused David of not paying attention. She cited an instance when she returned home from work agitated and he refused to turn off the television. David explained that he had just requested that she wait until the commercial break.
Both of them were looking to the author for approval at this moment, expecting him to decide who was right and who was wrong. But none of that mattered. What mattered was that she was enraged.
Anne eventually vented her frustrations, screamed at her husband and expressing her displeasure with him for not just turning off the game. Just saying it out loud felt liberating; it reminded her that her father had done the same thing 30 years before. She would never have made that breakthrough if she hadn't allowed herself to become truly enraged.
Anger isn't always as rational as Anne's. Is it fair to blame parents for becoming old or babies for making a racket? Not at all. After all, they can't really do much about it. However, you may still become enraged, and you must allow yourself to experience what you are feeling. Don't let pessimism convince you differently.
Anger is toxic and may damage relationships if it is suppressed. Don't let that happen. Rather, simply say the truth.
In any relationship, telling the truth — the complete truth – is critical.
The author has been married five times, and people occasionally joke to him that four unsuccessful marriages hardly make it look like he knows what makes for a successful partnership.
However, he contends that it does. Not only does he regard each of his marriages to be a success, but he also considers his divorces to be a success, and he maintains strong ties with former partners, including amicable and effective co-parenting partnerships.
He claims that the main sorrow isn't that there are so many divorces nowadays. It's because the majority of couples who don't divorce have horrible relationships.
The main point here is that in any relationship, telling the truth – the complete truth – is critical.
We've already looked at a few examples of relationship communication. But what is it that underpins this type of communication?
People can display two main attitudes when they speak, according to philosopher Martin Buber. He named one of the "I-You," and the other "I-It." And they're just different versions of you.
Even though the word "I" will be used in both cases, it can indicate two different meanings. When you say "I-You," you're accepting that your spouse is their own person, with complex sentiments of their own. It's as if you're relating to an item rather than a conscious being when you say "I-It."
As a result, the author suggests adopting categorical statements such as "I hate you for" or "I thank you for." These let people recognise their companion as a person rather than a thing. When you communicate in "I-It" mode, you almost never end up doing anything but fighting.
Being completely honest with your partner is a major commitment, and the author suggests making efforts to ensure that you know everything there is to know about each other. So sit down and tell each other your life experiences in detail, including your sexual histories. The author also suggests masturbating in front of each other to be entirely sexually honest. After that, take turns talking for half an hour, without interruptions, about how you feel about each other, both good and unpleasant. This is what it means to be really honest with one another.
Being in love with someone is a wonderful, magical experience, but it requires you to let go of your own identity and become a part of something bigger. You are not doing it correctly unless you allow your entire self to become a part of it.
Take responsibility to break free from moralism and begin living a profoundly honest life.
We live in a fast-paced world where we are constantly stimulated. It's no surprise that many of us are stressed — our bodies aren't built to be this active all of the time. And our moralism only exacerbates the situation.
So, how can you break free from this anxious state, free your mind, and return to a place where you can recognise your genuine self? Dealing with the problem, on the other hand, necessitates learning to communicate the truth. People can seek help from a psychotherapist, but this does not always work. In the end, it's all about taking responsibility for yourself and following through on your plans.
Take responsibility if you want to break away from moralism and start living a completely honest life.
In more ways than you would think, your mental and physical selves are intertwined. As a result, the author begins his patients' treatment with body therapy. Yoga and other physical disciplines help people become more aware of how they're really feeling. The patient must also commit to getting in good shape through exercise and a nutritious diet.
That's partly because it's critical that you take charge of your own affairs. The author particularly enjoys a scene in John Steinbeck's classic The Grapes of Wrath in which Tom Joad meets a disgruntled and despondent mechanic with one eye. He bemoans how people treat him because of his appearance, but Tom corrects him, pointing out that the mechanic hasn't even cleaned himself up or covered his missing eye.
There's a straightforward truth here. When you haven't done everything you can for yourself, it's all too easy to blame the environment around you. However, the mechanic's demeanour also reveals internal struggles.
Most of us have an internal conflict between our desires and our beliefs. On the one hand, we detest something — how people treat us, our job, whatever – but on the other, we make reasons and apologies for why things are the way they are. There are two voices inside of us, each advocating for a different point of view.
This is the mind messing with us once more. It desires both hope and change in the future, as well as the security of tradition.
What is the solution to this conundrum? It's the truth. We can only overcome this paradox by being unafraid to acknowledge and accept it inside ourselves.
It's the same thing: cease making moral judgements about what's right and what's bad. Simply put, tell us how you're feeling. Tell it like it is. You'll be surprised how far it will take you.
The main message conveyed by this summary is that growing up entails learning to lie, both to ourselves and to those around us, because we are all caught in the realm of moralism. This harms our true selves – the beings that reside within us all. The only way out is by unflinchingly telling the truth, even when it’s ridiculous or unreasonable. Only then can we truly be ourselves.
Here's some additional advice that you can put into practise:
Tell the truth about something you've been keeping hidden.
Almost everyone keeps a secret about themselves. What's the one thing you've never told your partner, parents, or kids about yourself? You might feel like withholding this information from them is in their best interests – but it could actually be doing you harm. So maybe it’s time to be radically honest. Make a point of paying them a visit. Place them on a chair. Feel the weight lift off your shoulders as you take a deep breath.
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