Summary of the book "A General Theory of Love" - By Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini and Richard Lannon

Key Concepts in this book:

1. In its three subsections, the human brain's evolutionary history may be seen.
2. Attachment feelings are caused by neurotransmitters like serotonin and oxytocin in the brain.
3. Opiates are neurotransmitters that serve to relieve physical and emotional pain.
4. Attractors are brain connections that are responsible for our memories and feelings.
5. Our emotional growth requires attachment.
6. Long-term therapy can improve our emotional connections and transform our brains for the better.
7. The societal illusion that falling in love and falling in love are the same thing leads to disappointment.
8. Two loving people's brain architecture are altered, and they begin to perceive the world in the same way.

Who can benefit the most from this book:

• Anyone interested in the psychology of love.
• Anyone interested in neuroscience.
• Anyone who wants to know what love is.

What am I getting out of it? Learn what science has to say about why we love and how we love.

When we talk about love, we don't usually do so in a scientific way. Human love is sometimes regarded as a strange and irreducible phenomenon that resides outside the cold domain of science and that refuses to be explained scientifically.

We tend to believe that scientists have little or nothing to add to our understanding of love because it has traditionally been deemed solely the domain of poets and artists.

Fortunately, three psychiatrists — Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon – disagree. They combine their scientific and practical skills with the rich cultural history that artists, poets, and philosophers have left for us throughout the centuries in order to explore the riddle of love as incisively and extensively as possible.

In this summary, you'll learn: 

• How our brain evolved over time to enable us to feel an attachment to others.
• How our adult relationships are shaped by our childhood experiences.
• How psychotherapy can help us rewire our brains, enabling us to develop healthy relationships.
• Why self-harm reduces severe emotional pain in some people.
• And why understanding the difference between loving and being in love is critical.

1. In its three subsections, the human brain's evolutionary history may be seen.

The scientific de-mystification of human emotions is not a new phenomenon. Hippocrates, the Western world's earliest physician, claimed that emotions, such as love, are a product of the brain as early as 450 BC.

Even though Hippocrates' premise was right, it took more than 2000 years for scientists to begin to study the brain and its impact on human behaviour.

Today, thanks to scientific breakthroughs in recent decades, our understanding of the brain have well surpassed what even Hippocrates could have expected.

The evolution of the human brain over millennia is one such discovery.

Our forefathers had to adapt to their changing conditions in order to live. This includes brain alterations that assisted them in surviving in different climates and environments.

Climate change, for example, forced our distant ancestors to relocate from the forest to the dry savannah planes. Their minds had to adjust to outsmart predators and obtain food in order to survive in this tough environment. Our established brain architecture was gradually changed, step by step, adaption by adaptation.

What proof do we have to back up this theory?

The evolutionary history of the human brain may be found in its three subsections.

The Reptilian Brain, the earliest of them, is located at the top of the spinal cord and regulates our most basic body functions and impulses.

The Limbic Brain, which is located around the reptilian brain, comes next. The amygdala, for example, is a well-known component that plays a key part in the formation of fear.

The limbic brain's evolution has been vital for mammalian evolution. It allows them to experience attachment to their young, in contrast to reptiles. As a result, unlike reptiles, mammals create intimate social groupings, guard infants or partners, and interact with one another.

The Newest Brain, also known as the Neocortex, is the newest and largest part of the human brain. The Neocortex is responsible for reasoning, planning, and communicating, and it enables us to make judgments based on careful consideration rather than instinct.

This three-part brain model helps us understand why human behaviour in relationships is often surprising, as you'll see in the next concepts.

2. Attachment feelings are caused by neurotransmitters like serotonin and oxytocin in the brain.

We frequently assume that powerful and magnificent emotions like love and connection are the result of something equally profound and enigmatic.

Regrettably, this is not the case. Love and attachment, like other feelings, are the result of brain chemicals known as neurotransmitters.

Our sensation of attachment is influenced by three essential neurotransmitters.

The first is serotonin, which is responsible for reducing anxiety and depression.

In some people, serotonin can even help them cope with the terrible impacts of sadness and heartbreak when they lose someone important to them.

And for those in terrible relationships who can't let go because they're afraid of the feelings of loss, raising serotonin levels — for example, with anti-depressant meds like Prozac – can help them eventually break free.

Oxytocin is the second neurotransmitter involved in attachment.

This molecule is present in large concentrations during childbirth and is thus responsible for the mother-child relationship. It does, however, play a part in the attachment emotion throughout life.

In a study of two prairie dog species, the vole and the montane vole, Thomas Insel discovered that voles are monogamous in maturity, mate for life, and spend most of their day sitting side by side. The montane vole, on the other hand, is a far less sociable species, with no evidence of attachment behaviour, as they engage in promiscuity and frequently abandon their young.

What could be causing such a wide range of behaviour?

Insel's key finding was that the solution could be found in the brains of both animals, with the main variation being the amount of oxytocin present.

We'll look at the third essential molecule, opiates, in the following concept.

3. Opiates are neurotransmitters that serve to relieve physical and emotional pain.

When a child comes into contact with a hot stove, he will almost certainly cry out in pain. Because the child will not want to go through such suffering again, he will be hesitant to approach a hot stove.

Because physical harm puts the organism at risk of mortality, the development of a brain system that detects injury was a critical stage in human evolution.

As a result, the sensation of pain aids humans in avoiding anything that could harm them.

Although the brain's ability to produce pain is essential for human existence, it also has the power to lessen the pain when it occurs.

Opiates, the third major neurotransmitter implicated in attachment, enter the picture here.

Opiates can help with both physical and mental pain: they can make us feel better while we're going through emotional trauma or dealing with the problems that come with traumatic occurrences like the end of a romantic engagement.

Why do these compounds have such a dual purpose?

Mammals required the ability to become linked to one another and to deal with the pain that occurs when an attachment is lost as the limbic brain was evolving.

The brain's system for feeling and treating physical pain (through opiates) was simply altered to deal with emotional suffering.

Doesn't that sound cool? However, there is a downside: this dual role of opiates could explain why some people damage themselves physically when they are feeling mental distress.

The majority of kids who cut themselves are in excruciating emotional anguish as a result of unpleasant social encounters.

Pain signals are sent to their brain when they cut their skin. The brain then releases opiates to numb the physical pain while also relieving the emotional agony as a side effect. Self-harm could help individuals feel better in this way.

4. Attractors are brain connections that are responsible for our memories and feelings.

Have you ever observed that even after reading a document numerous times, you can miss little mistakes like "taht" instead of "that"?

What causes this to happen?

The presence of Attractors in the human brain causes this type of common overlook.

They are the interconnected aspects of our memory that govern or impact our perception, directing what we learn and experience, in terms of neurological terminology.

Many of us, for example, have sloppy handwriting: our letters are malformed and linked together, resulting in a scrawl for each word.

Even the weakest handwriting can be correctly interpreted by a reader with very little effort. Your readers will still read the word "aouse" as "house" even if your handwritten "H" appears more like a "A."

Why?

An ideal or prototype letter "H" is etched in our minds. Every time we see a letter that resembles this ideal, the prototype takes control of our perception, allowing us to instantly "autocorrect" any malformed letters or errors. If we come across the typo "taht," for example, the Attractor responsible for the prototype "that" activates, allowing us to deduce the writer's intended meaning.

What role do Attractors play in attachment?

Attractors are formed as a result of our life events, which in turn affect our memories.

Our brains create Attractors that connect our memories from our earliest experiences. The connections we have made in our brain between them determine whether one is linked to another. If we have a perfect "H," for example, it's because we've been taught what an "H" should look like.

The limbic brain – the area of the brain that controls our emotions – is no exception. Our life experiences assist us to generate the perfect connection feeling. This ideal will shape how we experience attachment and who we feel it most strongly toward throughout our lives.

5. Our emotional growth requires attachment.

Our emotional memory is made up of several diverse, interrelated pieces called Attractors, as we saw in the previous concept.

Every human person builds such networks throughout their lives, and like with practically everything else in life, it's critical to get off to a solid start.

The limbic brain, which is responsible for emotions, is entirely uncontrolled at the start of our emotional development as newborn newborns.

Newborns do not know how to behave when they are born; their moms must teach them. Babies develop their emotional prototype - their ideal – as a result of their mother's influence, which will impact whatever subsequent emotional experiences they have.

Consider a youngster stumbling through a park's grass. He suddenly loses his footing and collapses. At this time, the toddler examines his mother's face for signs of panic or concern, and if she does, the child will begin to weep. If her expression, on the other hand, is amused, the toddler may grin or even laugh with her.

The stability of this relationship between parent and kid is critical for the growth of the child. It is, in fact, the foundation of the emotional intelligence required for a kid to empathize with others - that is, to obtain an intuitive grasp of another's feeling and respond to them.

But "limbic control" isn't just for children. Adults require external emotional stability since we are social beings throughout our lives.

While we may perceive our reliance on external feedback as a flaw as adults, it is also a source of strength. We may adjust the emotional Attractors in our brains by continuing to engage with other people, allowing us to develop and evolve emotionally. We'd all act like huge kids if we didn't have the power to continuously impact our limbic brain until old age!

All we need are strong, trusting, and healthy relationships with others, such as those we have with our love partners or close friends.

6. Long-term therapy can improve our emotional connections and transform our brains for the better.

As we've seen, our connection feelings are heavily influenced by our upbringing. Our emotional brain is shaped by the relationships we have as children, and this has a big impact on our adult relationships.

If the persons who impacted the formation of our limbic prototypes were not emotionally mature or aware of their own emotional flaws during our upbringing, we will inherit their emotional difficulties.

Our emotional programming is passed down through the generations in this way. So, what can we do to break the cycle?

Psychotherapy is one approach to deal with such adverse programming.

Take another look at Attractors to learn why psychotherapy can be successful.

Our experiences are determined by our Attractors. Imagine having to wear glasses that only allow you to see green. Everything in your life will be coloured with and confined to green in some way.

Similarly, the Attractors in your limbic system shape and limit your emotions - an impact that influences your friendship and love relationship choices.

However, if our childhood interactions with those closest to us aren't stable, we may end up with bad programming.

Fortunately, we can retrain our emotional brain through psychotherapy. This is accomplished by modifying the brain's Attractor network.

Even though psychotherapists frequently debate strongly about the most effective strategy, opposing each other's ideas and approaches, the specific approach adopted is of little relevance.

What matters is that the therapist can change the patient's Attractors network, a process known as limbic remodelling. When psychotherapy is effective, it has aided the patient in rewriting his or her limbic patterns – in other words, it has broadened the colour spectrum beyond green – to the point that the patient can begin picking companions and partners who are more suited to him or her.

7. The societal illusion that falling in love and falling in love are the same thing leads to disappointment.

"Whoso loves believes the impossible," wrote Elizabeth Barrett Browning, an English poet.

Let us try to be more particular, even though Browning grasped the essence of what it means to be in love:

When we're in love, we have three feelings that are intertwined.

First, we're so enamoured with the way our companion complements us so completely that we assume we'll never fall in love again.

Of course, we have the ability to fall in love multiple times in our lives. But it's the subjective feeling that this person is "the one" that matters.

The great want to be physically near to that person is the second factor. We begin to mistrust our love when this urge fades.

Finally, there's the insatiable desire to dismiss anything that has nothing to do with our romantic experience. In this sense, falling in love is essentially a "rewriting" of reality.

As this implies, there is a significant distinction between being in love and loving.

In order to bring two people together romantically, they must first fall in love. But it's just a warm-up for loving (which is all about long-term attachment, as we'll see in the following blink). As a result, the period of being in love — the "honeymoon phase" – will inevitably come to an end.

Nonetheless, the overwhelming sensation of being in love causes us to imagine that the relationship and the feelings will remain indefinitely. As a result, when it finally comes to an end, we are disappointed, grieved, and even melancholy.

Unfortunately, our culture fosters the false image that love is forever through an endless stream of TV episodes, romantic comedies, romance novels, and so on.

Typically, such stories follow the following pattern: two characters who know very little about each other fall in love over a short period of time, overcome some hurdle to their relationship, and end up together.

We have grown to believe that this story schema is the perfect version of love because it is so ubiquitous in our culture, which is why we are so disappointed and astonished when we realize (maybe repeatedly) that love is transitory.

8. Two loving people's brain architecture are altered, and they begin to perceive the world in the same way.

When we interpret the emotion of being in love as the essence of loving itself, as we saw in the last blink, we're bound to be disappointed.

But what exactly is the distinction between being in love and loving?

The emotional connection is what makes the difference.

While we can love someone who isn't in love with us, love is always reciprocal. Each individual tunes in to the other and adjusts their personality and conduct to meet the other.

Adult love also entails a profound understanding of one another. To fall in love, however, all that is required is that you are acquaintances who have only known each other for a brief period.

As a result, loving takes time and results from long-term closeness, as the lovers must become acquainted with the intricacies of each other's souls.

Both persons become "limbically attuned" to each other over time as a result of the establishment of such strong love relationships.

Why?

The explanation for this is simple: as we've seen, excellent psychotherapists allow patients to revise established limbic brain structures. And for that, a limbic link between the patient and the therapist is required.

Yet, between people who care about each other, such a bond already exists.

Both couples are constantly exchanging limbic information. The networks between their separate Attractors are altered, and a shared method of sensing the world arises, manifested in the loving people's brain architecture.

"A part of me is gone," people often say after they lose a spouse because of this physical alteration of the Attractors.

The book's main theme is that how we emotionally interpret the environment is a form of neural programming that we learn as children. If we wish to change our programming, we must cultivate deep empathetic relationships with others, including friends, romantic partners, and psychotherapists.

Advice that can be implemented:

Learn to distinguish between loving and being in love.

If you're constantly astonished when a love relationship ends, it's time to think about what's going on in your life. For a long time, Western culture has taught us to confuse the emotion of being in love with loving through movies, novels, and television shows. Because this might lead to disappointment when the "honeymoon time" ends, it's crucial to consider what kind of "narrative" you're telling yourself about a relationship. You must remind yourself that romantic love is temporary if you discover that your story is about eternal love.