Summary of the book "Love Worth Making" - By Stephen Snyder

Key Concepts in this book:

1. Once you've learned how to nurture your sexual self, you can achieve actual excitement.
2. Work should never feel like a chore when it comes to sex.
3. In order to feel desired, women need to be pursued.
4. Couples might regroup and attempt a different technique after identifying sex knots.
5. Each partner can deal with the uncertainties of change in their relationship if they hold firm.
6. When partners believe they are deserving of one other's love, erotic feelings return.

Who can benefit the most from this book:

• Partners who love each other but are struggling to keep desire alive.
• New couples who want to learn how to sustain their sexual relationship.
• Anyone interested in the emotional side of sexual connection.

What am I getting out of it? Learn how to maintain a long-term erotic connection in a committed relationship.

When it comes to sex, we are living in unprecedented times. Pornography may be found almost anywhere. We have access to the most up-to-date information about sex science. From diverse positions to high-tech sex devices to practices that would make your granny blush, there's no shortage of sex advice.

Is this, however, assisting us in our serious sexual relationships? Are we content in our beds? Any couple that has attempted and failed to buy their way to erotic bliss is likely to say no. Because erotic novelty wears off quickly if you aren't emotionally engaged to your spouse.

In the summary that follows, you'll learn how to take care of your sexual self while navigating the emotional terrain of a relationship - and have consistently excellent sex.

• You'll learn how simmering keeps sexual energy alive. 
• Why sexual generosity needs to be tempered with selfishness.
• And why it's crucial to stand your ground in a relationship in this summary.

1. Once you've learned how to nurture your sexual self, you can achieve actual excitement.

Many therapists and sex education books will tell you that sex is "friction plus fantasy." But couples who have tried and failed to rekindle their passion know there's more to it. Something else is lacking, something more elusive: the sensation of genuine pleasure.

When we are stimulated, three psychological changes occur. First, we become engrossed, absorbed, and lose track of time. Then we revert to a more primitive, selfish mindset. Finally, we have a nice feeling about ourselves, as if our partners can see us. In the search for arousal, formulas can be quite worthless. However, there are some heart rules you may learn to assist foster the optimal conditions for arousal to flourish.

The main point here is that after you've learnt to nourish your sexual self, you may achieve actual excitement.

It is more important to understand than to follow the rules of the heart. They live in a world where genuine connection and authenticity are valued. You'll find your sexual self here: a really personal, erotic sensation. It's marked by thankfulness and amazement rather than lust.

Although the sexual self is quite honest, its vocabulary is largely confined to "yes" or "no." Attempting to persuade the sexual self to change a "no" into a "yes" will almost certainly result in unpleasant sex.

Carmen experienced this when she was unable to feel anything during intercourse with her husband Scott. When they kissed on the couch in the living room, she was aroused. However, while they were in the bedroom, she became obsessed with the fear that something was "wrong" with her, and she psychologically shut down.

The majority of people are unaware that they are in charge of their own arousal. As a result, the author advised Carmen to do two things to establish the tone for herself. First, tell Scott not to try to make her climax - she was scared that if she didn't, he'd get upset, which took her out of the moment. Second, if she was turned on while they were on the couch, try staying there.

Carmen remarked the next week that their sofa sex had become more erotic. But she was still in a bad mood. She admitted to having orgasms in the "wrong way": in the bathtub, with her clitoris submerged in water.

She wasn't doing anything improper, according to the author. However, over the years, the perception that she was damaged had gained a lot of clout. Acceptance was required for her sexual self to be joyful. Carmen regained her composure and delivered herself an orgasm with her hands for the first time a few weeks later. She was also able to maintain her arousal during sex with Scott, eventually climaxing in her husband's arms.

2. Work should never feel like a chore when it comes to sex.

Another heart law is that the sexual self never matures. It's vulnerable and self-centered; it can't hide or pretend its emotions. We can better understand our sexual issues once we accept that our sexual selves are like infants.

Consider a common issue that the author encounters with clients. One of the partners, say the husband, complains that he has no idea how to make his wife happy. His attempts are always met with criticism, no matter how hard he tries. Meanwhile, the wife responds that the issue is his lack of desire, not her sensitivity.

Having a lack of "passion" is usually code for having a lack of something else: sexual selfishness. What genuinely brings most of us pleasure is when our partners derive sexual pleasure from being with us. Our sexual selves want to be ravished and worshipped, not served because it's expected of us. Consider this: if getting you off appears to be a chore for your partner, you are unlikely to lose yourself in the moment. That isn't to suggest that being generous in bed isn't a good thing; it just isn't particularly erotic on its own.

The main point is that sex should never feel like effort.

Many people claim their favorite part of sex is when their partner climaxes, which is unsurprising. It feels strong to watch someone lose control – and power play is something our sexual selves like. Shame, unfortunately, frequently gets in the way of our happiness.

Jill, for example, was embarrassed by the fantasy she used to climax during sex with her husband Peter. She felt dreadful whenever she lost her arousal, and she fantasized about a wicked man imprisoning her. She couldn't see him, but she was aware that he was continually keeping an eye on her. This scenario would always make Jill climax, but it would also leave her disturbed.

She and the author discovered after some conversation that her fantasy was all about gaining attention. It was most likely the result of being neglected as a youngster — our minds often transform trauma into sexual fantasy as a method of numbing the pain. Jill's issue wasn't so much with the dream as it was with the fact that she punished herself in an unnatural way anytime she lost her desire.

As the author explained to Jill, sex therapy is about appreciating what already seems natural and simple; it's not designed to put us under strain. So, rather than forcing herself to climax with an upsetting scenario, he advised her to be nice to her sexual self if her excitement level dropped.

Jill and Peter had fantastic sex the following week — sex that didn't feel like work. She decided not to be concerned when she lost arousal and let Peter come first. She then had an orgasm on herself. She continued to exploit her fantasy, but now that she was aware of its roots, she was able to appreciate it.

3. In order to feel desired, women need to be pursued.

There are several exceptions to every generalization concerning male or female desire. However, the author discovered that erotic disparities between men and women continue to pose a slew of issues for straight couples.

Rob couldn't keep his hands off Melissa when they were initially married. He stopped initiating sex after that. Melissa felt as if Rob didn't want her anymore, despite his claims that he was always ready and willing.

Another heart guideline is that women want to feel wanted. That is why most women like it when males initiate the relationship. Rob, on the other hand, didn't think this was fair. He couldn't see why Melissa couldn't be the one to make the first move.

The main point is that women must feel sought in order to feel desired.

To demonstrate this law of the heart for Rob, the author chose an unexpected example: rat foreplay.

A female rat licks the back of a male rat. He pursues her for a while, until she decides she's had enough of him and lets him have her. Melissa, like the female mouse, relished being hunted since it indicated Rob was paying attention. For Rob, it all came together at last.

Many relationships suffer from this problem: once the husband feels comfortable, he quits chasing his wife. How do women get their long-term spouses to pursue them, beyond by depicting rat foreplay?

Many sex manuals advise women to make themselves less available to their husbands or to inject some other element of doubt into their relationships. Instead of resorting to manipulation, the author recommends that a woman educate her male partner about her desire to be desired. Then he may decide whether he's willing to put in the work – or face the consequences if he isn't.

It's not always necessary to pursue a woman all the way to the bedroom. Simmering is a useful approach for maintaining a nice sensual atmosphere in a relationship. Even if sex isn't a viable option, simmering is when you carve out a brief moment to get passionate with your lover. It's not supposed to be a strenuous exercise — think of it as a sensual embrace that leaves you both buzzed. Cuddling, on the other hand, tends to dampen sensual energy.

While anyone can simmer their lover, it's best if the man simmers the lady more frequently in heterosexual partnerships. His yearning is demonstrated by his intense grasping of her. And don't worry if it's annoying Because a little amount of sexual annoyance is healthy.

4. Couples might regroup and attempt a different technique after identifying sex knots.

Many people believe that a man's sexual response is instinctive. While most men are easily aroused when they view a beautiful body, a man's erotic feelings are more complicated in the setting of a relationship.

Gwen, David's wife, sent him alone to the author's office. The trouble was that he'd stopped initiating sex, just like Rob. But it wasn't out of ignorance or defiance. Instead, he felt as if a mystery force was impeding his progress.

He was still sexually attracted to Gwen, and he planned to initiate sex as soon as they both returned home from work. Gwen, on the other hand, would usually be grumbling about something by nighttime, according to David. He'd wind up mentally shutting her out after a long day.

In fact, the problems began when David and Gwen moved in together for the first time. What followed was an example of a sex knot: a circumstance that occurs when our sexual selves don't behave the way we want them to – and we react in ways that exacerbate the problem.

The main takeaway is that identifying sex knots allows couples to reconnect and attempt a new technique.

The sex knot between Gwen and David went like this: Gwen began to criticize David more when they moved in together. This made him feel unaccepted, so he pretended to be confident and waited for the pain to subside. Then, as the criticism became more frequent, he began to withdraw. Gwen became enraged as a result, and she continued to insult him. As a result, David retreated even further, leading Gwen to believe David had lost interest in her.

Remember how important it is for women to feel wanted? When a man feels confident and welcomed, his sexual self is developed. Unfortunately, when a woman no longer wants to be with her spouse, she will cease giving him signals that he is welcome. David and Gwen were in the worst stage of their sex knot when they arrived at the author's office: he didn't feel welcome with Gwen, thus he didn't desire her any longer. Gwen became enraged when she realized what had happened. Then he realized he had lost interest in her.

When women criticize, it's usually because they feel alone and ignored. So, if David wanted Gwen to stop criticizing him, he should stop running away and listen to her, according to the author.

David consented, and their friendship blossomed. He discovered that he and Gwen had a lot in common, and she didn't focus on David's flaws. He wasn't initiating sex, though. We'll find out why in the blinks ahead.

5. Each partner can deal with the uncertainties of change in their relationship if they hold firm.

Finally, Gwen met with the author without David and told him about their story. David was filled with joy when they first met. Gwen was constantly made to feel special by him. His attitude toward her evolved from rapt to distant once they started living together.

Gwen worried if David had ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. This issue makes it difficult for people to focus on activities that aren't instantly engaging. When David went to see the author alone the next time, they went over an ADHD checklist. The diagnosis was confirmed by his inattentive symptoms.

David grew happy and more ready to reconnect with his wife after starting ADHD medication, while Gwen appeared to be depressed. This happens to couples from time to time. One spouse gets distant as a result of positive improvements, either because there has been too much change or because there hasn't been enough.

The main message here is that each partner can deal with the uncertainties of change in their relationship if they stand firm.

When Gwen and David went to see the author together, she thanked him for assisting David, but expressed disappointment that he wasn't paying attention to her in the manner she needed. Even on medicine, he couldn't manage to show affection in the smallest of gestures, such as cleaning up after himself. She was sick of resembling his mother.

Despite this, the author remained hopeful. Gwen and David were starting to assert themselves. In front of their companion, they fought for their own demands. The author then inquired about their sexual preferences. David admitted that their foreplay was always a little hasty. Gwen acknowledged she rushed through it because she was afraid he'd lose interest.

David reassured Gwen that he was not leaving; all he wanted to do was enjoy her company, if she would allow it. But Gwen wasn't sure she could; she didn't want to risk being disappointed again.

David had learnt to differentiate, according to the author. That is, he had established a strong sense of self and could deal with conflict without relying on Gwen for acceptance. Perhaps it was now Gwen's turn to learn how to do it.

Gwen was advised by the author to sit with her fear and see what happened. Gwen consented, and that day marked a turning point in her life. She recognized that disappointment was only a sensation, and that it didn't mean the world had ended. She also discovered that, in some cases, suffering together can lead to happiness — if each spouse holds their ground.

6. When partners believe they are deserving of one other's love, erotic feelings return.

Sarina and Jo, a lesbian couple in their fifties, had met with the author when they first started dating and he'd helped them get through a minor issue. They've returned several years later, after marrying and having children.

Sarina had lost all interest in sex now that they were finally empty nesters.

Sarina's passive-aggressive sex drive has progressed to a new stage, according to Jo. Sarina would pick an argument on the day they were meant to depart if they planned a weekend away, for example. She'd be uninterested in sex for the duration of the vacation.

Couples' sensual life may be disrupted from time to time, and all they need is a brief tune-up. This is referred to as treating an immediate cause by therapists. However, there is frequently a deep-seated remote cause that will continue to produce problems until it is resolved. Sarina and Jo were in this situation.

The main point here is that erotic sensations return when couples believe they are deserving of each other's affection.

When people unintentionally try to persuade their partners to join them in a rehearsal of a drama from their past that they don't completely comprehend, remote causes emerge.

Sarina, who had been neglected by her parents, was reenacting the same behavior with Jo. Sarina would reply with coldness when Jo showed affection for her, as if she was attempting to persuade Jo that she was unlovable. In the meantime, Jo's mother had been chilly to her, so she was reenacting the situation. The underlying cause was that neither woman realized she deserved to be wanted.

As a result, the author proposed that they try a mindfulness method called sensate attention, in which they would strip down and take turns touching each other. There would be no pressure to provide or receive pleasure, and they wouldn't have to feel anything they didn't want to feel.

Sarina would lie in bed and Jo would be the first to touch her, according to a coin toss. She started with Sarina's feet. Sarina became aware of her great sadness. Sarina's toes were kissed by Jo, as if to encourage her to elevate her feet and follow the sensation. Sarina allowed herself to be carried away by the sadness, trusting Jo to keep her afloat. Jo, on the other hand, was becoming a little agitated. She felt calm and joyful after it had passed.

Sarina was concerned that Jo was becoming exhausted. "Just stick with it, Sarina," Jo said quietly. Sarina became emotional when she heard her name. Jo's love and care were palpable to her. Sarina's river of melancholy eventually turned into a large lake. She envisioned herself rolling about with Jo in the thick grass alongside the lake. Sarina sensed Jo's excitement, became aroused herself, and surrendered herself to Jo.

In a relationship, good sex is all about paying attention to the passionate moment without passing judgment. This happens when you treat your sexual self like a child, with patience, tenderness, and acceptance.

The important lesson in this summary is to exercise acceptance rather than forcing your sexual self to perform something it doesn't want to do. You're still in charge of generating the conditions for your own arousal during sex with a partner. Sex should never be considered a chore. They won't sense your enthusiasm if you're too concentrated on providing your lover pleasure while neglecting to enjoy yourself. When people connect from a place of mutual selfishness, great sex ensues. And, if your relationship hits a snag, rather of panicking, try to sit with your feelings of sadness or disappointment. When you do this, you'll be able to approach your partner calmly and confidently, and you'll be able to hold your ground.

Here's some additional advice that you can put into practice: Don't pay attention to ANTs on an emotional level.

Negative, obsessive thoughts about oneself are one of the reasons why people quit enjoying sex. These automatic negative thoughts, or ANTs, draw their attention and make it harder for them to remain in the present sensual moment.

Many sex advice books suggest substituting affirmations for ANTs, but the author doesn't believe this is the most successful way. Instead, he recommends that customers recognize ANTs when they appear, acknowledge them, and then move on.