Summary of the book "Loving Bravely" - By Alexandra H. Solomon

Key concepts in this book:

1. You must first understand yourself before you can fully love somebody.
2. Tell yourself better and more truthful stories to shift your mentality.
3. Your romantic life does not have to conform to conventional norms.
4. There will never be a spouse who can totally meet all of your requirements all of the time.
5. Although sex is perfectly natural, good sex necessitates some effort.
6. Create spaces to digest and reflect to avoid emotional confrontations.
7. A heartfelt apology might help to strengthen a connection.
8. When you endeavour to be totally present in your relationships, they will last.

Who can benefit the most from this book:

• Lonely hearts looking for love.
• True romantics seeking lasting relationships.
• Anyone curious about the psychology of attachment.

What am I getting out of it? A step-by-step strategy to making your love last.

Our culture is filled with rosy portrayals of love and intimacy, from scorching romance books to feel-good Hollywood rom-com. But, all too frequently, our own romantic lives fall short of these lofty expectations. Is something wrong with us, then?

Not always, to be sure. We may be looking for love in all the wrong places. There is, however, a way to modify this. this summary looks at how romantic relationships operate in real life and offer advice on how to create strong, solid partnerships that don't lose their luster. This guide, based on Alexandra H. Solomon's clinical knowledge, shows us how to find love by first understanding ourselves, our needs, and the particular patterns that define our relationships.

• You'll learn why you should interview your parents.
• How technology divides us.
• And how decent sex becomes fantastic sex in this summary.

1. You must first understand yourself before you can fully love somebody.

Let me introduce you to Alexia. At the age of 26, this young woman is beginning to settle into adult life. She has a solid circle of friends, a good career, and a great apartment. Her love life, on the other hand, is in shambles. She is constantly dating men who disappoint her. One is clingy, the next is aloof, while the third is primarily concerned with work.

It'd be simple to dismiss these gentlemen as duds. Alexia, on the other hand, bears some of the blame. She is, after all, the one who selects them. Alexia will have to examine her own views and actions about love if she wants to find a more rewarding relationship.

Relational self-awareness is the process of figuring out how and why we love others. It's also necessary for every effective cooperation.

The main point here is that in order to properly love another person, you must first understand yourself.

Every partnership is a team effort between two people, with each partner bringing their own distinct set of attributes to the table. When you date someone, you are confronted with their personality, habits, and love expectations. However, your personality and quirks have an impact on the relationship. You must have relational self-awareness in order to develop a strong and stable pairing. You must understand your own personality, wants, and desires in order to build a strong and stable pairing.

Looking backwards is a common part of cultivating relational self-awareness. As youngsters, we learn a lot about love. We learn specifically through seeing our parents and from our own family relationships. As adults, our responses to intimacy are shaped by our early experiences. You might settle for a mate who is neglectful if your parents were cold and distant, or you might overcompensate and seek unrealistic levels of attention if you had cold, distant parents.

These patterns, of course, aren't permanent. With insight and effort, you can intentionally adjust them. The name-connect-choose strategy is one technique that the author suggests. To put this into practice, first figure out the relational habits you picked up from your parents. Consider how these early teachings may have influenced your current actions. Then, armed with this knowledge, actively try to overcome the bad habits you've developed.

You can begin to comprehend your basic concerns by reflecting closely on yourself and your background. The personal vulnerabilities or soft spots that guide our interpersonal interactions are known as core issues. A fear of desertion, a desire for approval, or a repeated distrust of people could be among your basic concerns. These can be difficult to face, but once you do, you'll be better prepared to deal with the consequences. In the next concept, we'll look at some proactive approaches to these difficulties.

2. Tell yourself better and more truthful stories to shift your mentality.

Leticia and Owen got along swimmingly until Owen neglected to pick up the automobile from the repair. Leticia was enraged by this uncommon, little blunder. She screamed, yelled, and even referred to Owen by his first name. She had transformed into a completely new person.

Why did such a minor blunder have such a significant impact? It has something to do with Leticia's life. Leticia was reared by a single mother who instilled in her a strong sense of personal responsibility. If young Leticia made a mistake, she was subjected to harsh reprimands. Later in life, as an adult, she began to view each mistake as a major matter and assumed the position of a harsh parent.

What would Leticia do differently if she had the chance? With a little self-awareness, she might be able to see Owen's blunder in a new light – and learn to play a different part.

The main point here is to improve your thinking by telling yourself more truthful and better stories.

We all understand our life through the prism of stories, whether we realize it or not. These stories, like every other fairy tale, feature characters, settings, themes, and narratives. The stories we tell ourselves and the parts we play have a big influence on how we interact with the people we care about. However, these stories aren't necessarily accurate, and we typically tell the same stories over and over again without recognizing them.

So, when Owen forgot to pick up the car, what tale was Leticia telling herself? It was a story she'd heard since she was a child. Any error was unacceptable in this story. When Owen made a mistake, she quickly painted him as a thoughtless, useless individual, much like her mother had painted her. But what if Leticia saw a different scenario, one in which Owen was a caring, sensitive partner who'd had a bad day and a single memory lapse? Leticia would probably respond more calmly if she had this story.

Dialectic stories are stories that are less black-and-white and more nuanced. In a dialectic scenario, Owen may be both forgetful and an excellent partner, and Leticia can be both angry and disappointed, as well as forgiving and understanding. Dialectic stories are useful because they more truly reflect reality and allow people to control and change their actions.

You, like the people and events around you, are always changing and evolving. As a result, it's critical to maintain your internal tales updated with fresh, more accurate information. When this occurs and you recognize the changes, you can adjust accordingly. And if you're willing to listen to fresh stories, you may steer your life toward a brighter conclusion.

3. Your romantic life does not have to conform to conventional norms.

Assume you're a single 25-year-old lady living in a large American city. This is the American ideal for many folks these days. You're youthful and carefree, so you can focus on your profession during the week and party with your pals on weekends.

However, if you travel 100 years back in time, you would find a very different story. A 25-year-old bachelorette would have felt worried or ostracized in 1920. She may be under a lot of pressure to marry and start a family before it's "too late."

The truth is that our attitudes on love are mostly shaped by the cultural standards that surround us. It's crucial to evaluate these external pressures attentively in order to discover an authentic approach to love.

The main point here is that your love life does not have to conform to traditional norms.

You are constantly deeply entangled in a larger cultural framework, regardless of where and when you live. There are a lot of signals in this culture about how dating, relationships, and love should operate. When it comes to religious concepts, the messages can be quite obvious. However, the rules of love are frequently incorporated into community norms or depicted in cultures such as novels, television, and movies.

And our genuine selves and desires don't always match up with these cultural ideals. For example, in today's culture, particular beliefs about how each gender should act are presented. Men are expected to be stern, career-focused, and independent, whereas women are meant to be emotional, family-oriented, and eager for commitment. Individuals, on the other hand, are unlikely to fit into these narrowly defined categories. This is true for everyone, but it is more true for LGBT persons who may have a more sceptical attitude toward gender standards.

Culture can also influence our perceptions of relationships in general. Institutions such as Hollywood promote an idealized vision of romance in which love triumphs overall. Partnerships, on the other hand, include a lot of labour, compromise, and even boredom. As a result, folks looking for a picture-perfect love tale may be disillusioned and all-too-willing to quit up at the first sign of difficulty.

When it comes to dating, don't hold cultural standards in high regard. Consider whether you genuinely agree with them; you could find that some are helpful and others aren't. Perhaps you're a lady who prefers sensitive men, or a man who would rather be a stay-at-home dad than go to work. It is ultimately up to you to make these kinds of decisions.

4. There will never be a spouse who can totally meet all of your requirements all of the time.

Do you think there are soulmates? This is a difficult topic to answer, especially since there is no universal definition of what a soulmate is.

A soulmate is similar to the Yiddish concept of bashert for certain people. A bashert is your perfect match, the individual God made just for you. Others see a soulmate as a fellow traveller with whom they can spend years and years before forming a connection. For some, a soulmate is akin to a wake-up call: it's the individual who, even if only for a brief while, reinvigorates your love of life.

Some of these ideas about soulmates will be more appealing to you than others. But one thing is certain: no partnership is without its difficulties. Even with your soulmate, you'll need to put in the effort to build a sustainable relationship.

The main message here is that no relationship will always be able to meet all of your requirements.

When we're looking for a romantic companion, we often have the assumption that they'll be our perfect match in every way. This lofty goal, though, can be harmful. People who believe in perfect matches are more likely to be disappointed and dissatisfied in their relationships, according to a study on couples by social psychologists Spike W. S. Lee and Norbert Schwartz.

This isn't to say you shouldn't believe in soulmates. You can still look for your bashert or fellow traveller if you're willing to put in the time and effort to create a positive relationship. Even if God has paired you with your ideal another half, the two of you will still have to navigate life's ups and downs together.

So, how will you know whether you've found your soul mate? There is no perfect answer, but you will occasionally know. While we prefer to believe that logic and reasoning can solve any situation, our bodies can also provide useful information. It matters how you feel when you're near someone. Pay attention to your inner feelings. If you have a strong sense of discomfort, you should reassess your relationship. If your instinct says "yes," on the other hand, you might be onto something.

Even the best companion won't be able to completely reflect you. Both parties have acquaintances, interests, and passions outside of the relationship in a healthy relationship. Don't be dismayed if your soulmate doesn't share your same interests or has their own social network. You should encourage them to be authentically themselves, and they should reciprocate.

5. Although sex is perfectly natural, good sex necessitates some effort.

Let's talk about sex for a moment. Isn't it supposed to be simple? After all, sensual imagery abounds in the environment around us. Pornography is always just a few clicks away, and barely clad bodies are exploited to market anything from cars to hamburgers.

The issue is that all of this enticing media has the potential to crowd out the most essential authority on sexuality: ourselves. We're so fixated on what sex should be that we lose touch with our genuine desires all too often, which can make physical closeness difficult or disappointing.

Fortunately, as with all areas of love relationships, this sex-related anxiety may be alleviated with care, conversation, and attention.

The main point here is that sex is perfectly natural, yet good sex takes some effort.

Mae West, the courageous American actress, famously described sex as "passion in motion." And she was dead on; sex, and indeed all types of physical affection, are inextricably linked to our emotions. Touch is a powerful method to communicate and connect with another person, whether it's a hug, a kiss, or something more intimate. However, before we can feel for others, we must first feel for ourselves.

In order to have good sex with a partner, you must first understand your own sexuality. You must be at ease in your own skin, understand your own turn-ons and boundaries, and have a good handle on the forms of touch that make you happy. All of this takes time to learn, but it begins with spending time with yourself and figuring out what feels good on your own terms. This may require some trial and error, but it will be well worth the effort in the end.

You'll be more prepared to completely engage with a partner and provide and receive pleasure once you learn to understand your own requirements. It doesn't matter if you're in a long-term relationship or a more casual connection; how you handle it is all up to you. But be cautious. Casual sex with little communication or emotional commitment is occasionally promoted in today's hook-up culture. This may work for some people, but it can lead to misunderstandings, damaged feelings, and other unpleasant situations for others.

Nonetheless, you shouldn't be very concerned. Everyone has the right to experience the intimacy and pleasure that sex may provide. The desire for great erotic experiences is neither greedy, selfish, or shameful. Your relationship will benefit from the deep physical connection that sex may provide when you discover the perfect partner - someone with whom you feel comfortable, vulnerable, and passionate.

6. Create spaces to digest and reflect to avoid emotional confrontations.

You and your spouse are at a raucous party across town on a Saturday night. You become separated at some point during the party. You find her out on the balcony after some searching. She's having a private conversation with an attractive stranger — perhaps a little too private. So, what exactly do you do?

You could grab her wrist, dragging her outside, and then spend the rest of the ride home hurling nasty accusations at her. You might also go for a passive-aggressive strategy and pretend you didn't notice, but then spend the next week in chilly silence and snarky remarks.

To be honest, neither response is satisfactory. Both of them are reactive. That is, they are only motivated by your immediate emotional response. And that's a tragedy waiting to happen.

The main point here is to create spaces for people to process and reflect in order to avoid emotional conflicts.

When confronted with a difficult scenario, our brains and bodies urge us to act immediately. Our ancestors established the primitive fight-or-flight response to survive harmful encounters, which guides this impulse. When there's a problem in a relationship, we're compelled to either fight – by yelling and shouting, for example – or escape – by withdrawing and being avoidant.

The difficulty is that each of these responses aggravates the situation. They're spontaneous reactions that drive us away from our relationships and increase relationship strain. A better solution is to give yourself time to digest your feelings before acting. A little pause, such as taking a deep breath or taking a short stroll, can help you view the situation more clearly – or at the very least, allow you to approach the problem with less hatred and more empathy.

You can turn a linear conflict story into a systemic conflict story by taking a contemplative pause. A linear conflict story is your straightforward interpretation of a circumstance — in this case, you may believe your partner has abandoned you in favour of a lovely stranger. A systemic story has more subtle information that isn't always obvious. Maybe you're insecure because of circumstances beyond your control, or maybe your partner didn't know many people at the party and was just happy to be socializing at all.

Telling a systemic tale creates space for any dispute to be discussed. When you do start communicating, though, you must choose your words wisely. Avoid falling into intimacy-sabotaging traps. "You always..." or "Why didn't you...?" are examples of accusatory phrases. Instead, use language like "I feel that..." or "What kept you from..." to invite intimacy. This softer language avoids black-and-white thinking by allowing everyone to express themselves without fear of being judged.

7. A heartfelt apology might help to strengthen a connection.

Let's have a look at Matt and Kevin. Kevin underwent a procedure a few weeks ago that rendered him momentarily immobile. This means Matt has been doing everything of the housekeeping, including cooking, monitoring the kids, and even assisting Kevin with showering and dressing. Everyone is, without a doubt, stressed.

So it's no wonder when someone snaps at some point. Kevin brutally chastises Matt over a minor blunder in a fit of rage. The air is thick with tension as both lovers exchange glares. Then something incredible occurs: Kevin apologizes. He admits to lashing out and expresses gratitude to Matt for all of his efforts. Things have returned to normal.

The entire sequence lasts less than a minute, but it's the little things like these that keep a relationship alive during difficult times.

The main point here is that a heartfelt apology can strengthen a friendship.

It's awful, but mistakes are unavoidable. You'll stutter, stumble, or act out sooner or later, no matter how hard you try. It could be a minor blunder, such as forgetting to take out the garbage or telling a joke that falls flat. It could also be a major transgression, such as lying, cheating, or committing a crime. Even though each of these mistakes is extremely disappointing, a sincere apology can go a long way toward rectifying the situation.

The issue is that apologizing isn't always simple. It is, in reality, a skill that must be mastered. An effective apology is heartfelt, explicit, and establishes responsibility. It wouldn't work to roll your eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm such a nasty person," if you said anything hurtful to a partner. Direct and acknowledging the harm you caused would be a more honest apology. "I'm sorry for the remark I made," it would say. It was pointless, and I'll be more considerate in the future."

More labour is sometimes required for larger infractions. It's possible that you'll have to make amends. This is a deliberate act intended to convey your regret – and to alleviate the hurt you've caused. Giving up drinking, maybe by attending AA meetings, could be an act of penance for someone who cheated on their spouse while inebriated. Such behaviour demonstrates a desire to avoid repeating the same error.

However, this is only half of the story. It's true that how you receive an apology is just as important as how you deliver one. Heartfelt apologies must be accompanied by heartfelt forgiveness. Forgiving someone does not imply that you agree with their conduct, but it does indicate that you are ready to go on. Carrying a grudge might hinder you from experiencing the positive sides of a relationship, therefore practising forgiveness can benefit the one forgiving.

8. When you endeavour to be totally present in your relationships, they will last.

How long has it been since you looked at your phone? Be truthful. Is it really an hour? How about twenty minutes? Maybe it's only been a minute and a half. Don't be too hard on yourself. Electronic devices are our constant companions in today's environment. They're entertaining and practical, but they might prevent us from being really present.

We can become distracted from the people we're actually with when we're constantly bombarded with notifications. But there's more to it than that. The unending stream of possible matches on dating apps and social media overload provides the impression of boundless possibilities. We may lose sight of what we have and always seek out something better.

Technology is one of the most significant ways that we might limit our ability to be intimate. It isn't, however, the only one.

The main takeaway is that relationships last when you seek to be totally present in them.

It takes more than just sharing physical space with your spouse to be truly present in a relationship. Being fully committed in both your mind and your heart is what it means to be present. When your loved one is present, this implies you're engaged, listening, and attentive; it also means you're emotionally available and compassionate when they're expressing inner thoughts and feelings.

Being present is, of course, a two-way street. You must also be open to accepting love, kindness, and support from your spouse in order to be truly present. This can be trickier than it appears. We can become so engrossed in our own negative emotions or internal fights that we reject any attempt at intimacy. We lock people out when we should be allowing them in when this happens.

That is why practising self-compassion is so important. Self-compassion is the act of recognizing one's own personal ideals and virtues. It entails treating yourself with kindness when you fail, acknowledging your shared problems with others, and practising mindfulness when you're discouraged or overwhelmed. In a nutshell, when you're self-compassionate, you treat yourself as you would a close friend or family member.

Recognizing the limits of your control goes hand in hand with practising self-compassion. It's easy to become disappointed or fixated on how things should be different when things aren't going your way. Perhaps you're under pressure at work, or you and your partner are fighting. It's critical to recognize that these things happen, and that life is a series of ebbs and flows, of ups and downs, in these moments. You have to take a step back from time to time to appreciate life – and love – for what they are: continual processes.

This summary main message is that finding and keeping a relationship isn't always easy. There are, however, a few useful abilities that can make pairing up a little easier. Begin by developing relational self-awareness, which entails reflecting on your own patterns and expectations. Then, while you negotiate your relationship, keep an eye out for any unrealistic or unwelcome constraints that society may place on you. Finally, always strive for openness, compassion, and a loving presence while approaching your partner.

Here's some additional advice that you can put into practice:

Inquire of your folks!

Now that you're an adult, it could be beneficial to take a step back and reflect on your upbringing. If you have the opportunity, speak with your parents about their experiences. You may be able to perceive previous patterns from a fresh perspective by thinking about their challenges and victories. You might also get some excellent advice from folks who have shared similar experiences.