Summary of the book "Magnificent Sex" - By Peggy J. Kleinplatz and A. Dana Ménard
Key Concepts in this book:
- Improve your sex to increase your desire.
- Lovers are concentrated, connected, and vulnerable during great sex.
- Age isn't a disadvantage; it's a benefit.
- Extraordinary lovers are open, inquiring, and accepting of themselves.
- Empathy and communication are the most important sexual "skills."
- Magnificent sex does not come by accident; it necessitates effort.
- Anyone who wants to become extraordinary in bed.
- Long-term partners trying to regain their sexual momentum.
- Older lovers wondering if aging and sex are incompatible.
When it comes to improving our sex life, we're frequently given advice that falls into two categories, both of which are equally unhelpful. The first provides daring suggestions for thrilling sex - complete with gizmos, equipment, and dizzying sexual positions. The second depicts sex as either functional or dysfunctional, and claims that any style of sex is OK as long as everything beneath the surface is in order.
This summary is a little different. They layout the elements that make magnificent sex possible, based on in-depth interviews with a broad group of extraordinary lovers. They indicate the way to richer, more meaningful sexual experiences, from the importance of maturity to the value of vulnerability.
In this summary,
- You'll discover why spontaneity isn't a bad thing.
- Why getting older might make you a better lover.
- And what low sexual desire could be telling you about your sex life.
1. Improve your sex to increase your desire.
Low levels of sexual desire are one of the most prevalent reasons people seek out sex therapists. Low sexual desire is a tricky topic – especially when it comes to maintaining long-term partnerships – and it occurs as a sudden change, has progressively diminished through time, or has always been an issue.
Low desire, on the other hand, isn't always perplexing. It's not always easy to understand why people don't desire a lot of sex. Consider this: if you lived somewhere where the weather was consistently chilly and miserable, you would probably avoid going to the beach on a regular basis.
Similarly, having little sexual desire makes sense if the only sex you're experiencing is dull or unpleasant.
The main lesson here is to have better sex in order to increase your desire.
If bad sex can reduce sexual desire, it stands to reason that better sex will increase it.
On the surface, this appears to be self-evident, but it often comes as a surprise to people. What if a person's lack of desire isn't due to a psychological or internal problem? What if the thing that requires attention is the type of sex available?
That's exactly what the researchers discovered. And this new strategy necessitates a shift in focus for both therapists and patients. Instead of focusing on how frequently sex occurs, they should focus on how it feels when it does. To put it another way, they should focus on sexual quality rather than quantity.
This shift in perspective is liberating. Rather than making lovers feel as if they have a flaw, it encourages them to believe that they have sound judgment. After all, who in their right mind desires unsuitable sex?
The way forward is obvious from here. To increase desire, the quality of the sex must improve — and who better to assist than outstanding lovers?
In the coming concept, we'll learn in detail how to create a sex life worth seeking, based on the insights of people who have great sex.
2. Lovers are concentrated, connected, and vulnerable during great sex.
So you've decided that you want to improve your sex life, and you don't just want decent or even satisfactory sex; you want it to be spectacular. But how can you tell when you're reaching truly extraordinary sex? Let's discuss how exceptional sex feels and what its distinguishing traits are.
A few similar threads emerge from the writers' research. These components don't have to be there for the sex to be regarded spectacular – but there were a few themes that came up often in interviews with stand-out lovers.
Let's take a look at three of them.
The main point is this: Lovers are concentrated, connected, and vulnerable during great sex.
Magnificent sex was repeatedly mentioned as 100 per cent fascinating throughout chats with wonderful lovers. They claim that when the sex is this fantastic, there's no place for distractions; all other thoughts fade away, and the lovers are entirely focused on the task at hand.
This is a skill that many people have developed over time. It is, nonetheless, a skill worth honing. The capacity to leave cares, fears, and extraneous thoughts outside the bedroom was overwhelmingly cited by the lovers interviewed as a requirement for mind-blowing sex.
A sense of great connection with your lover is another important feature of magnificent sex. During exceptional sex, couples express feeling like they're "bridging a gap" or "merging," in addition to the physical pleasure.
In other words, great sex can make lovers feel as if they've fused into a single entity, rather than two separate persons making love.
But, in order for this to happen, sexual partners must first take a difficult but necessary step: they must allow themselves to be vulnerable.
The writers advise aspiring lovers to let go of their inhibitions and expose their actual selves and inner aspirations in order to achieve this. Adopting such a vulnerable position can be frightening, but it is precisely the sense of risk involved, as well as the unique sense of freedom that develops, that allows for exquisite sex.
3. Age isn't a disadvantage; it's a benefit.
In the movies, it appears that amazing sex is reserved for the young and beautiful. The muscular, young Adonis and the supple, attractive twentysomething fall into bed in a frenzied and passionate embrace in film after film.
But how does it work in real life? Is great sex only for the young and wrinkle-free? Is it true that crow's feet and grey hair act as a deterrent to hot, passionate sex?
Maturity, on the other hand, may have distinct advantages. As the authors discovered, being older may actually increase your chances of having fantastic sex.
The main point here is that ageing isn't a disadvantage; it's an asset.
During the authors' conversations with amazing lovers, it became clear that the media is completely incorrect. Growing older does not always mean that your sexual life suffers; in fact, it is more likely to improve. Although most interviewees stated they loved sex when they were younger, they reported their sex lives improved as they became older.
One of the reasons for this is that the type of sex they were having had improved. Sex had seemed "goal-oriented" when they were younger. They'd assumed that the goal was an orgasm, so they'd concentrated on that, keeping technique and performance in mind.
However, as they grew older, things began to alter. Sex began to feel more like an exploration than a race to get from point A to point B. Intimacy and connection have become increasingly vital.
Maturity is an important factor in this process. As lovers grow older, they become more confident in themselves and less concerned about embarrassment. Older partners are more likely to take risks, make mistakes, and explore their sexualities in detail because they have a stable sense of self.
As a result, exceptional lovers claim that their sexual evolution never truly ends. The sex they have changed and evolves with them throughout their lives; many people describe learning new things about themselves and their partners well into their sixties and seventies.
4. Extraordinary lovers are open, inquiring, and accepting of themselves.
So far, we've looked at sexual desire, wonderful sex, and the benefits of becoming older when it comes to making love.
But what are the qualities that distinguish outstanding lovers? Is there anything that they have in common, or is this just a fruitless search?
The writers' interviews demonstrate that remarkable lovers vary greatly in terms of personality, tastes, and inner dreams. However, these distinctions do not convey the whole picture, and focusing on them can obscure some key commonalities.
In truth, great lovers share key characteristics that we can all learn from.
The main lesson here is that extraordinary lovers are open, inquiring, and accepting of themselves.
It takes a lot of courage to become an outstanding lover. As we've seen, wonderful sex demands exposing yourself – which means that being an extraordinary lover necessitates exposing yourself often as you experiment sexually and learn what you and your partner want.
Outstanding lovers are open, inquisitive individuals. They're not afraid to take risks and try new things; in fact, they're eager to do so — and that doesn't just mean in the bedroom. It entails being emotionally open and willing to learn from both positive and negative events.
Extraordinary lovers embrace themselves exactly as they are. Worry and self-criticism divert your attention away from sexual pleasure and a close relationship. As a result, the finest lovers are frequently at ease in their own skin - not because their physique, skills, or sexual tastes are "perfect," but because they've learned that flaws are acceptable.
That doesn't mean you have to solve all of your problems before having fantastic sex. Exceptional lovers, on the other hand, are kind to themselves. They've managed to tone down their harshest self-criticisms throughout the years, allowing for some spectacular sex along the way.
5. Empathy and communication are the most important sexual "skills."
When you think of developing your sexual talents, you probably picture yourself practising the kind of bawdy foreplay recommendations, contorted sex positions, and strange but mind-blowing sexual moves that you'd see on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine.
This advice can be helpful, and experimenting with new things in the bedroom is never a terrible idea. The most significant approaches, however, are of a different kind. The essential abilities for establishing wonderful sex are really straightforward.
The main point is this: Empathy and communication are the most important sexual "skills."
For the time being, ignore the glitzy approaches you've seen in publications and concentrate on two key skills: empathy and communication. These entail getting to know your spouse and, in turn, getting to know yourself.
Empathy is the ability to "get inside" another person in a metaphorical sense, to understand how they are experiencing physically and intellectually. We previously discussed the necessity of "merging" or creating a sense of togetherness during sex – the kind of connection that can only be achieved when lovers have a strong and well-developed sense of empathy.
Do you understand what it means when your partner tenses both arms in a particular way? Or if your lover prefers something more upbeat or laid-back? Empathy is required for these kinds of intuitions; without it, exquisite sex is impossible.
The ability to empathize and communicate are inextricably linked. Telling your lover exactly what you want – what feels good, what you're in the mood for, and what your most private desires are - requires courage. However, amazing sex necessitates this type of connection.
Too often, couples spend the first few months of their relationship finding out one other's sexual preferences, just to repeat the same few processes every time they have sex! Even if orgasm ensues, this is far from spectacular.
Forget about this number-based sex. Empathy and communication will help you keep in sync with your lover's desires, allowing you to adapt your actions as the mood and situation change.
6. Magnificent sex does not come by accident; it necessitates effort.
The misconception that amazing sex is only for the young has already been debunked. But this isn't the only stereotype that makes it difficult for those of us who want better sex.
The assumption that wonderful sex should be effortless - that lovers should fall into bed, full of desire, without a moment's deliberation or preparation – is just as harmful. Nothing could be more inaccurate, as we'll see.
Indeed, the amazing lovers questioned by the writers repeatedly stated that beautiful sex requires planning, practice, and purpose.
The main point here is that great sex doesn't just happen – it takes work.
Couples who seek help from a sex therapist frequently express a desire for amazing sex to occur "naturally" and "spontaneously," as it did at the start of their relationship. Isn't that correct? But, when you think about it, how spontaneous was that claimed early sex?
Consider the following scenario: Each individual likely spent time choosing an outfit, cleaning their homes, grooming themselves, and, when they eventually met, engaged in witty and interesting conversation for a few hours before their date. At the end of the night, their ostensibly spontaneous sex? It took an entire day to prepare!
Magnificent sex requires preparation later in a relationship, but it's usually a different kind of preparation. The authors recommend that lovers focus their energy and attention on the types of talents and qualities covered in these concepts, rather than the kind of effort that went into planning dates in the early days.
That includes cultivating curiosity and openness, learning to communicate and sympathize with your partner, taking chances by being vulnerable, and learning to accept yourself as you are.
All of these things involve effort, but don't be discouraged! Allow it to comfort you instead. After all, exceptional lovers are created rather than born. And the fact that these things take time and effort to master proves that they can be taught with perseverance.
The main takeaway from this summary is that if you want to have great sex, you should avoid gimmicks and instead work on developing the proper attributes. To become a fantastic lover, you must learn to be open and curious, to take risks and be vulnerable, and to express your deepest fantasies and wishes.
Advice that can be implemented:
Forget about rose petals on a dating night.
Although having amazing sex necessitates effort, this does not imply that you must partake in every Hollywood cliché in order to fan the fire of passion. If you enjoy strawberries and candles in your bedroom, go ahead – but if you don't, preparing the scene for amazing sex could be as simple as cleaning up the room and putting your children to bed. Don't get sidetracked by minor annoyances!
Comments
Post a Comment