Summary of the book "Wired for Love" - By Stan Tatkin

Key Concepts in this book:

1. Early childhood experiences shape how safe you feel in adult relationships.
2. Understanding your partner's anxieties might help you build closeness in your relationship.
3. When the brain's security-seeking regions are activated, conflict results.
4. Learn to recognize and control your partner's negative emotions to avoid conflict.
5. Routines at bedtime and in the morning can help you stay connected to your companion.
6. Make a commitment to being accessible to your spouse 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and make sure the agreement is reciprocal.

Who can benefit the most from this book:

• Partners in committed relationships.
• Couples seeking to manage conflict .
• Those interested in social psychology.

What am I getting out of it? By understanding how the human brain works, you can avoid conflict and increase intimacy.

Do you ever get the feeling that your lover just doesn't get you? Almost everyone has been there.

Disagreements are inevitable in every long-term partnership. However, if you find yourself arguing on a daily basis or feeling emotionally uneasy a lot of the time, it's a warning flag. You must reintroduce intimacy into your relationship.

Sure, there are numerous obstacles to long-term love. You can, however, overcome them. The trick is to understand how your own and your partner's brains work.

We'll examine the biological reasons behind partner disagreement in this summary, as well as practical ideas on how to put neurobiological theory into practice. These pointers will assist you and your partner in forming a strong and lasting bond.

• You'll learn why lover relationships are comparable to mother-infant interactions.
• How basic relaxation techniques can help stop warring impulses.
• And why the human brain is programmed for conflict – and how to rewire it for love — in this summary.

1. Early childhood experiences shape how safe you feel in adult relationships.

Have you ever told your mother a secret when you were a child, say when you were four years old? Something vital, something that only she was supposed to be aware of? Consider what would happen if your father revealed this information during supper. What would your reaction be? In a word, he was most likely betrayed.

Let's jump ahead to adulthood. You've graduated, obtained employment, and are currently in a committed relationship. Your lover says something private - something that just affects you – one day at a party with friends. Suddenly, you're back at the supper table of your childhood. You're going through the same betrayal again.

Is it possible that your experience was psychological? Or is it more physiological? It's a little bit of both. Early experiences are imprinted on your memory, and as we'll see in the next few blinks, they have an impact on our sense of security in relationships far into adulthood.

The main point is this: Early childhood experiences shape how safe you feel in adult relationships.

The study of how newborns build bonds with others is a branch of psychology. It's known as attachment theory, and it was popularized in 1969 by John Bowlby. It states that a baby should have a single caretaker who prioritizes the infant-adult bond above all else. A primary attachment relationship is what it's called. It's dubbed the "baby bubble" by the author.

It sets the tone for how we interact with others later in life. We will be more confident in creating a comparable main bond with our romantic partner in adult life if our "baby bubble" seems solid.

This is referred to as a pair bubble by the author. Our sense of security is once again reliant on a single individual.

However, there is a significant difference between these two bubbles. An infant's relationship with her caretaker is one-sided. In adulthood, however, two partners make a commitment to ensure each other's protection and security.

Both parties must feel safe in a pair bubble. Every single time.

However, not everyone had a happy, secure childhood. Vulnerabilities acquired earlier in life start to reemerge, as we'll witness in the next blinks. This might easily jeopardize your relationship.

The good news is that you can rewire those habits – but first, you must become acquainted with your fears.

2. Understanding your partner's anxieties might help you build closeness in your relationship.

If you've ever been in love, you know how it feels: you're overjoyed, you can't stop thinking about your special someone, and it feels as if you're destined to be together forever.

We are generally so enamoured with one other at the start of a relationship that we believe the couple bubble will grow on its own.

However, falling in love and creating a long-term relationship is not the same thing. It's not so much about falling in love as it is about remaining in love with couples who want to stay together. Unfortunately, many people suffer in this area: When the first infatuation fades, it's difficult to retain appreciation and prevent confrontation.

Rifts begin to appear, virtually often as a result of insecurity on the side of at least one partner. Why? One explanation is that it has everything to do with attachment theory.

Here's the main point: Understanding your partner's anxieties might help you build closeness in your relationship.

You will have established one of three attachment types depending on your early experiences. People who have these personalities are described as anchors, islands, or waves by the author.

Anchors grew up in a home where their primary caretakers were always there to comfort them when they had a bad day. Anchors find it simple to commit to relationships once they reach maturity. They are fast to adjust to changing circumstances.

In circumstances where main caregivers fail to address their key demands, islands and waves emerge. Self-soothing is how islands respond: they withdraw into themselves. Meanwhile, waves alternate between clinging to a partner because of fear of abandonment and distancing themselves from them out of distrust.

Every sort of attachment has advantages and disadvantages, but when it comes to couple bubbles, anchors are the most at ease.

Adult interactions, on the other hand, might reactivate childhood fears in waves and islands. They're then connected to prevent a pair bubble from developing. Islands achieve this by isolating themselves from their mates, whereas waves are ambivalent about them.

It's critical to perform two things to rewire these habits. You must be aware of your own weaknesses as well as your partner's insecurities.

So set aside some time with your partner to figure out which relationship type best describes each of you. Are you making waves? Islands? Anchors?

Ask each other if there are any difficulties from your upbringing that you are still dealing with. Make an effort to recall specific instances. This may not be fun, but it will help you improve your conflict resolution skills in the long term.

3. When the brain's security-seeking regions are activated, conflict results.

Assume you're standing on a railroad track with a train barreling at you. What's on your mind right now? You're probably not attempting to predict the train's destination or the number of passengers on board.

That's because your brain is programmed to focus just on self-preservation while you're in that scenario. Its primary interest is getting you out of the way of the train.

Survival in the wild has always hinged on the capacity to escape danger and stay alive. Our forefathers created brain structures that enabled them to react quickly in the face of danger. These structures are referred to as primitives by the author. These primitives are excellent for keeping you alive, but they may also jeopardize your prospects of forming a harmonious relationship.

The most important message is this: When the brain's security-seeking regions are activated, conflict results.

Your amygdalae are the first in the line of command among all of these structures. These almond-shaped portions of your brain operate on autopilot, scanning the environment for signals of danger. When they detect one – whether it's a loud noise or an upsetting sight - the brain's warning system is activated.

This is when the hypothalamus, the next fundamental component, kicks into motion. This region of the brain, like the amygdalae, does not rely on rational analysis. Rather, it presents us with three options: fight, run, or freeze. In any case, your body is now prepared for a struggle — and war is all but certain.

In the context of a connection, how do these primitives appear? Take a look at Leia and Franklin for example. They've been dating for almost a year now. Leia is becoming increasingly irritated that Franklin has yet to demonstrate an interest in marrying her.

They're travelling to supper one evening when they hear a wedding song on the radio. The melody grabs Leia's amygdalae, even if she isn't aware of it. "Can we talk?" she says, tensing up in her seat and turning down the music.

Franklin says, "Sure," but he has no idea that his amygdalae had picked up on indicators of danger as well: the quiet, Leia's tone, and her urgent want to "speak."

In preparation for a battle, his hypothalamus is stimulated, and his muscles tighten. Meanwhile, Leia's primitives are raring to go - and that's precisely what happens.

But, as we'll see in the following few concepts, it doesn't have to be that way.

4. Learn to recognize and control your partner's negative emotions to avoid conflict.

Consider the last time you had a disagreement with someone. What kind of bodily symptoms did you have? Perhaps your heart began to beat, your muscles clenched, and your hands began to sweat. All of these are signals that your amygdala is firing.

This is precisely what makes battles so difficult for many people: their bodies are overrun by primitives.

Using the more developed areas of the brain to bypass this wiring and recover control is the only method to regain control.

This is the most important message: Learn to recognize and control your partner's negative emotions to avoid conflict.

While our primitives prepare us for combat, they can also make it difficult for us to engage socially. We must rely on other portions of our brain to establish good relationships. They are referred to as ambassadors by the author because they encourage diplomacy. And these ambassadors may be just as potent; after all, people are designed for love and collaboration as much as combat.

Stephen Porges, a neurologist, coined the phrase "polyvagal hypothesis" in 1995. He demonstrated that there is a "stupid" and a "clever" part of our brain that is responsible for socializing. They turn on and off in response to the demands of the moment. They're known as the vagal system when they're all put together.

While the dumb half of this system is linked to warlike primitives that limit social abilities, the clever component increases our ability to be close to one another. Take a deep, leisurely inhale and exhale as slowly as possible to activate it. Another option is to unwind as many muscles as possible.

The right side of the brain is another ambassador that is wired into all of us. It houses both our creativity and our capacity to perceive and respond to nonverbal cues such as vocal tone and eye contact.

During disagreements, you can activate it by changing your tone of voice and accepting your partner's cues. Instead of yelling at your spouse that you don't have time to help with anything, you may express your willingness to help by stating, "Look, I'd love to step in, but I'm swamped at work, so I can't."

You can make a place for the ambassadors to step in if you learn to deliberately detect the firing of your primitives.

Ignoring what you notice in a partner's facial expression or tone of speech is the biggest error you can make. Only by paying close attention to those troubling moments can you begin to calm your partner's – and your own – vulnerabilities.

5. Routines at bedtime and in the morning can help you stay connected to your companion.

Noah and Isabella are in their forties and fifties, respectively. They have two children and are quite busy with work and family obligations.

They used to go out a lot when they first got married. However, things have changed since then. Isabella loves to go to her room at 9 p.m., as soon as the kids are sound asleep. Noah has always been a night owl, and when Isabella goes to bed early, he feels abandoned.

Meanwhile, if Isabella wakes up at midnight and Noah is still up and not in bed with her, she finds it difficult to fall asleep again.

The pair have been arguing a lot lately. They place blame on their children, their jobs, and their financial situation.

But what if their difficulties sprang from a different source? What if it's only the fact that they don't go to bed and wake up at the same time?

Here's the main point: Routines at bedtime and in the morning can help you stay connected to your companion.

If you don't spend a lot of quality time together – especially in the hours leading up tonight and right after waking up - the relationship bubble may disintegrate.

This was confirmed by the author among his own patients. But it's not just anecdotal: there's a lot of scientific evidence to back it up.

In a study of 150 couples conducted in 1991, psychologist Jeffry Larson and his colleagues discovered that persons who do not go to bed and get up together had more disputes than those who do. They also spend less time with their relationships in terms of quality time.

Furthermore, some data shows that sleeping in the same room as your lover is healthier than sleeping alone. This may seem contradictory, but in 2010, researcher Wendy Troxel discovered that sleeping together enhanced people's perceptions of their sleep quality. The urge to feel safe at night, according to Troxel, overcomes any sleep disruptions.

So, with your spouse, do this experiment. Agree that for the next week, you'll start each day together and end each day together. Make an effort to organize something you can do together as a pair. Allow yourself to be social, even if it's only watching TV or listening to a podcast. During emotional or humorous moments, look at your companion, hold hands, and talk to each other.

Compare your results after the week. What worked and why for each of you? Have you developed any rituals that are now part of your daily routine? After all, the couple bubble is all about dedication to intimacy.

6. Make a commitment to being accessible to your spouse 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and make sure the agreement is reciprocal.

What do you do to feel better when you're feeling down?

People have looked for solutions to alleviate pain throughout history. We seem to have tried everything under the sun, from philosophy and religion to booze and spas.

But what if the only source of fulfilment any of us need is the presence of another human?

This, according to the author, is the key. It's crucial to emphasize, however, that this is not the same as codependency, in which partners sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of the other.

You don't put your partner's well-being ahead of your own in a healthy marriage bubble. Instead, you both agree to be there for one another 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

The main message is to commit to being accessible to your spouse 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and to make sure the commitment is reciprocal.

As we've seen, controlling emotions and vulnerabilities – both yours and your partner's – is an important component of sustaining the marital bubble. It also entails being available to your spouse at any time and in any location.

Of all, you shouldn't expect your partner to return home from an international business trip only to scratch your back. However, both members of a committed partnership should feel confident that the other will be there for them at any time and in any situation - whether it's to seek counsel, complain about a noisy neighbour, or share a joke.

This method is suggested by the author: Make a formal vow to always be there for each other - and make sure it's reciprocal. You might both sign up for it, for example: "I will make myself accessible without expecting anything in return, but my partner should be there for me anytime I need help."

Two heads are better than one at the end of the day. Your partner's brain may be thought of as an "auxiliary brain" that assists you in solving difficulties and expanding your inventiveness.

In 1957, psychologist Donald Winnicott named this “mind-sharing space.” You must be aware to all of your partner's cues, ready to respond and communicate, in order to generate it. You may even build nonverbal signs to indicate that you both need to pay attention to one other.

Taking both of your partner's hands in yours, for example, might be a signal to put everything on pause so you can focus on each other's immediate needs.

Remember that the relationship bubble protects both of you, so make sure you're both trying to keep it in good shape every day.

The main takeaway from this summary is that your sense of security is anchored in your childhood and continues to influence your attachment style as you become older. You must be able to calm each other's deep-seated fears and control each other's negative emotions, especially when you're in disagreement, to establish long-term intimacy with your spouse. Above all, you must both show a willingness to always be there for each other, no matter what.

Practical advice: Make an effort to make your mate smile.

Try to predict what will make your spouse grin as a fun exercise. Then check to see whether you were correct. You might, for example, stroke your partner's back without being asked. This will bring you closer together, and you'll discover more about your spouse and your relationship as a result.